Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I understand Curling. That high.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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