my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
