Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
