the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
