I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
