well I can't set my house on fire every night
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
In America we eat man semen.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
