dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
