3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
