I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
