I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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