mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
