Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize