and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
