I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
