I wish my penis had an off switch
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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