you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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