I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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