i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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