She's JV to your varsity
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
