What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
