just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
