i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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