You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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