don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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