he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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