we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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