help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
