i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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