My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
