Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
