I want to stick my p in your. b.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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