pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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