I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
