we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
