I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
