omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
