we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
