i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
