My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
