I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
