period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize