I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm getting married
To pizza
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
