i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My vagina is very pro this idea
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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