Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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