So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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