Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
