I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
