Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
