I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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