Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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