how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
