I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
