AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
