Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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