Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
