There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
