I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
