I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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