His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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