U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
