I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
did i just pee glitter
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
