He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
