so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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