We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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