Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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